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22 October 2019

It's Been Rough Y'all

That's the simplest and easiest way to describe this past year and a half. Between Aimovig failing me terribly, a potential breakthrough with Emgality and then disappointment, spikes in depression and anxiety, losing my disability and falling into a financial hole, and being burned out physically and mentally - to say that I have been struggling is an understatement.

Every day I wake up filled with anxiety. All I want to do is sleep, and some days I do just that staying in bed for 12+ hours. I am not okay and as each day passes I don't feel any better. This, unfortunately, is a normal cycle for me. It happens every few years where I become "stuck" in a severe depression, anxiety and pain trifecta.

In this post I want to feel free to express every thought and feeling I have been experiencing. So, I am giving myself permission to say the things we don't allow ourselves to.

  1. I don't want to deal with the responsibility of motherhood or marriage. I am tired of being pulled in every direction when my mind is spinning at a millions miles per minute.
  2. Advocacy is giving me more anxiety than fulfillment. I am burned out and I feel overwhelmed. I don't feel useful, necessary, or adequate.
  3. I feel left out and alone. No one really calls and I don't like texting too often because I start to feel needy and like a bugaboo.
  4. I am tired of life but I don't want to die or hurt myself in any way. Life has just been so damn hard that I am over it. Every day is a struggle and all I want is peace of mind.
  5. I am so over struggling financially. There is no breathing room. Not having a career, depending on disability and small checks for writing assignments is like constantly treading water.
  6. I hate my body but I am too depressed to do anything about it. So, I remain overweight and more unhappy.
  7. My house is cluttered, my bathroom a mess and my laundry piled up because I am too overwhelmed.
  8. I depend heavily on my children to walk the dogs, clean the house and essentially take care of me. That makes me feel awful.
  9. I've hit a wall and I don't feel like climbing over or overcoming that bitch. I'm content taking a seat and waiting for that sucker to crumble so I can walk over what's left of it.
  10. I don't feel empowered or purposeful in this moment. I feel like a chronically ill person who has had it rough and needs a serious break from it all.
Writing this honestly is hard as hell and I always fear a backlash from family about being so transparent. When I do, I try my best to make it all about me and my struggles without invading their privacy too much. If I didn't have my husband and kids to help me through these dark times I'd be completely lost.

Have you ever been too tired to cry? That's how I feel. I want to break down and sob but I'm empty and exhausted. Plus, it'll give me an urgent care worthy migraine attack. What I truly want is to be taken care of. To not have to lift a finger, think about anything, go anywhere, or expend energy. But that's a fantasy and life is not about fulfilling those so I guess I'm stuck where I am.

I appreciate those of you who spent these last few minutes with me and my thoughts. It is my hope that through my struggles your experiences are validated and that you don't feel so alone. I'll be spending the rest of the day nursing this mild migraine I've had for almost a week hoping for a better tomorrow.

Please be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to not be okay. You can take off that mask and be who you are truly feeling in this moment. I know it's hard but it's better than forcing yourself to look and act like everything is put together 100% of the time. Whether it's through journaling or calling a friend, you are allowed to release those emotions.

Although it feels like it most of the time, you aren't truly alone. There are people like myself going through similar situations and emotional roller coasters. I see you. I validate you. Thank you for being a part of my support system.


Thank you for reading! Comments are welcomed and encouraged. If you have any questions, you can submit them on the Contact Me page.

Stay Well!

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