Raw and Real

Boy have I been off of my game.  I have barely been blogging for quite some time now.  Every day I want to get to my laptop or desktop and start writing about whatever it is that I'm feeling, thinking, or doing.  I want to nurture and cultivate my writing and to bring new, intriguing and honest content to my readers.  Yet, something always stops me.  That would be insecurity, self-doubt, a lack of confidence, and mostly feelings of unimportance.  I don't find much worth in my words or my story, therefore, I don't expect and assume that anyone else would either.  My life is pretty stagnant and nothing big, exciting, or major happens to me or my family.  We don't go on vacations or get visits from family or friends to write about.  My husband works all the time to bring more money into the house and I stay home, hardly ever leaving the house for days at a time.  The amount of stress and responsibility on him is tremendous and I feel guilty about it all the time.  

Going to the grocery store is the most I usually do and that's never exciting.  I hate it.  I'm very isolated and don't go out.  It's been almost one year since my hospitalization last November and in all truth, I've been super depressed ever since.  Instead of things feeling like they've been getting better, it feels like they've been going downhill fast.  Money is super tight and bills are always due.  I don't work and I feel helpless a lot of the time when it comes to our financial situation.  I'm scared of everything.  I have disabling anxiety that makes it impossible for me to do much.  Interacting with people is scary.  Especially since I haven't done much with my life except get married and have children.  I don't have a college degree nor did I ever have a career.  I'm embarrassed and feel inadequate as a woman.  All of the women I know have jobs, financial security, self-confidence, and education.  Therefore, I don't go around them because they remind me of what I'm not or do not have.  There is no one in my life who is anywhere similar to me and what I live with.  It's a lonely place to dwell in.  I have no backbone.  I'd rather do nothing than try something and fail at it.  I have a lot of ideas but am too afraid to act on them.  I'm overweight and hate my body.  I want to lose weight but I don't try to.  Why?  For one, exercise makes me hurt.  Either my fibromyalgia flares up, the arthritis in my feet makes me feel like I'm walking on glass, or I get a migraine.  Two, food is my friend and it's the only thing that makes me feel happy.  It doesn't make me feel bad or question me.  I'm an emotional eater and food comforts me.  The fact that I'm depressed every single day fuels my food addiction.  

I'm sad that pain has taken over my life.  I don't think that I'll ever get over the fact that I tried to commit suicide twice.  Once was hard enough to get past and I swore that I wouldn't do it again and I meant it.  But the personality changes from the antidepressant I was on at the time of the second attempt changed all of that.  I'm angry, embarrassed, ashamed, and paranoid that everyone thinks I'm weak and fragile and sees me as the "suicidal girl".  It haunts me almost daily.  I've been beat up, chewed up and spit out relentlessly over the past eleven years.  I'm worn out and tired.  I have no fight left nor do I care to fight anymore.  It feels like I haven't caught a break in ever.  Life isn't meant to be fair, but damn!  Couldn't it give just a little?  I'm barely living.  I'm just trying to survive and hang in there for my kids and my husband.  I'm not being the best wife or mother I could be and I'm becoming a hollow version of myself.  I try to be what I know I can be for them but I'm not happy with the person I grew up to be and the life experiences I've had.  I know that they are supposed to make you stronger but it's worn me thin.  I feel transparent... like a human form of plastic wrap.  This is all too much to try and hide from everyone.  

My life isn't easy having physical, mental and emotional roadblocks to overcome on a daily basis.  Yeah, I smile and look happy but underneath it all I'm shattered.  I really want to delete this and not post it because it's embarrassing for me to write this, but I'm going to be brave and post it anyway.  Maybe it will help someone who will read it.  I just managed to get up a little bit of nerve to be raw and real and give everyone a glimpse of the insecurities I live with.  Will it get better, I don't know.  As of now, at this point in my life, I don't really have much optimism but that can surely change as most things do.