The Migraine Diva: #MHAMBC Day 29 - The Power of Vulnerability

Our challenge prompt today is:

Watch the TED Talk video by Brene Brown below that will make you laugh, cry, and laugh again. How can you use what she says to help you put your dreams into perspective that leads to action?

Being vulnerable and feeling worthy of experiencing love, joy and happiness are key components in life. It seems as though I would not be where I am today if it were not for my willingness to be vulnerable, even when it was extremely scary to be such. When you have a chronic illness or two, vulnerability is a major player in how well you deal with the every day nuances of that type of lifestyle. I could either choose to not deal with the scary and uncomfortable feelings and emotions that Migraine, depression and fibromyalgia bring or choose to lean into them and take the chance of either a good or bad outcome. I can say from experience that choosing to neglect, ignore or numb those emotions has only led to deep and dark moments where I felt like I have lost myself. Every day I am scared about the possibility of something terrible happening to me physically or mentally. There is no way of really knowing whether pain will hit me like a semi or pass me by like a cool breeze. Having that unpredictability so present is very nerve-wrecking.

I find that even though it scares me to venture into the unknown, it is better for me to wholeheartedly travel into it with an open mind. If I am grateful for what life has been able to afford me and bless me with, such as my family and three happy, healthy children, then the rest of the world isn't so scary anymore. For instance, on Friday I had a CT scan done on my lumbar spine because of ongoing pain and numbness I have been having in my lower back, hip, buttocks and right leg for over a month. I was extremely nervous about what the test results would say as I really do not want to gain another chronic pain issue, especially with my back and spine. Well, I have fretted a little over the weekend and thankfully I had my parents and sisters in town to distract me from worrying. I kept telling myself to put on my big girl panties and to deal with whatever the outcome is like I have every other diagnosis. I must lean into it.

English: MRI of the lumbar spine showing spinal stenosis
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This morning, I received an email from my doctor with the result of the CT and it was not good. My heart sank a little and my poor husband didn't even want to know as he has a hard time stomaching anymore health problems that I may incur. Here's the prognosis so far:

Broad-based circumferential disc protrusion at L4-L5 with degenerative facet joint disease creating moderately severe spinal stenosis at L4-L5.
Degenerative facet joint disease at the other levels as mentioned above with some encroachment of the nerve root foramina.

What am I supposed to do with this information and how do I move forward? As of now, I am waiting on clarification as to what this means exactly and what is next as far as treatment goes. I know of quite a few people who have degenerative disc disease and spinal stenosis, some of whom I am very close with. I know that they will help me figure out how to get through this. My family is supposed to be driving up to Buffalo tomorrow to spend the week with my in-laws and I am very apprehensive about sitting in the car for 7-8 hours with these spine issues. All I have for pain is ibuprofen and I am still taking prednisone for the inflammation. I am concerned about spending time away from home and my doctors with this problem. It also doesn't help that my birthday is on Wednesday and I surely do not want to be in pain for that either.

I could choose to go numb and fall to pieces or I could just wait to see how everything unfolds. I think I will do the latter. Does this new problem interfere with my dreams? I do not know for sure. Will it make it more difficult? Maybe, maybe not. I am not a predictor of the future nor am I positive of the direction my path thus far will take me. I am just going to have to trust in my will to not be taken down by disease or pain. Some of my fears have been realized today but that doesn't mean that I have given up on hope. I am very scared about it all. But I remain courageous by refusing to let it beat me into submission. I will come to terms with it, as I have everything else, and learn to mold my life around it. There will be more limits to what I can do physically, but that is not to say that they will be a permanent or destructive problem in my life. I will not resign to thinking that life is over. It will most definitely be a new adventure!