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12 September 2019

The Overwhelm

I am so overwhelmed... By pain, by depression, by advocacy, by life. Everything is overwhelming. One thing feeds into the next and the vicious cycle of frustration and exhaustion continues. If it isn't migraine, it is a depression flare. If it isn't depression it is exhaustion. If it isn't exhaustion, it is not having enough time. So much is going on at once and I find myself losing a battle I never wanted to participate in. I try very hard to do as much as I can to make a difference in not only my life but in the lives of others who live with chronic and mental illness. But, at times I don't want to do much of anything.

Between motherhood, marriage, life, advocacy work and figuring out my place in the world I can often feel like there is no way I can manage it all. I feel like I am doing too much and not enough at the same time. It feels like I can never accomplish my goals because I become too filled with anxiety and self-doubt. So, I find myself checking out because the noise of it all is just too loud.

I wish I had a lot more confidence in myself and my skill set. Sometimes I dream too big and then feel like I fall short of accomplishing my goals. Then there are all the blows life has thrown me this past year. Losing my disability which meant losing a major source of income hit us hard. Then, another source of stable income fell through unexpectedly. Now, I am struggling to keep my head above water.

Financial stress is the worst and feeds the depression and anxiety, making me feel even more overwhelmed. I have had to take a break from traveling to meetings and conferences because I simply cannot afford it right now and it pains me to not be so involved in work I am so passionate about. FOMO (fear of missing out) is real so I don't spend too much time on social media because it is a reminder of what I am not able to participate in.

Every day I feel as though I am being swallowed whole. It's almost as if I can barely breathe. Staying in bed doesn't make me feel better. Neither does getting on my laptop to write. Doing the volunteer job for a local farmer adds to my stress. I took a break for a few months but started back up this week. Yesterday, I was super overwhelmed. It is a lot of work and requires a lot of my time. It isn't really hard work, just tedious.

I thought writing about this would make me feel a little better but it's doing the opposite. Even though I know that the storm doesn't last forever, it still feels like an eternity when you're in the middle of one. Everything is just so taxing. I'd just like to be able to feel steady on my feet for once. I wish life was in my favor instead of against me so much.

My mind is a scramble of rambling emotions and thoughts and I cannot stay focused on one thing at a time. This post is probably all over the place, so I am going to stop here. I can't seem to find the right way to end it. Hopefully, I will see some happier and brighter days soon.


  1. Thank you so much may the world and pride be with you ! Honestly I deal with chronic migraines every day along with anxiety and spouts of anger . I feel for my family but I need to learn that they’re my blessing dear god my only hope . They put up with everything . I feel as though I’ve been in a cave of darkness and shame . I wish there was a cure I have tried everything ....everything . I feel helpless every night I tighten my fists hold my breath clench my teeth wishing for things to be different. I get heart burn writing this but I know it’s right .thank you for writing this blog - it has saved me.-Sara McAndrews

    1. Sara,

      I’m so sorry you are living with this disease too. Please remember that you’re never alone in this and yes, you’re family is a blessing. Mine is too. I write these heartfelt and often heart wrenching posts to help validate not only my experiences but of people like yourself who I know go through these emotional turbulence too. Know that you are loved, heard and seen. Stay strong! You have a friend and supporter in me. 💜💜💜

  2. Here is a suggestion to reach out:


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