It has never happened yet where I felt that my best interests were honestly at heart outside of my loving friends and family. It's all so sad and angering at the same time. Once again, I have not heard back from my neurologist after requesting a phone appointment a week ago. That is why I'm done with him and that department. Kaiser finally approved my referral to see a pain management specialist but only authorized ONE VISIT. What do they expect to happen in one visit? I'm so done. It's absolutely absurd what migraine patients have to put up constantly. I've gone through almost three decades of pain. And it still feels like it did back in 1986. No one listened then and hardly anyone listens now.
Everyone suffers because of my pain - my children, my husband, my parents, etc. I'm depended on for so much but I don't have anyone who I can depend on to properly take care of me medically. My options are so few it's ridiculous. My relationship with Kaiser is coming to an end as my husband enrolls in another insurance plan next month to broaden my access to the right specialists. So I'm about to embark on another journey in a few months and hopefully it will lead to better pastures. My brain is fried. I can no longer concentrate for long periods of time. Stringing thoughts and words together is becoming more and more difficult. My body is exhausted by always being in great pain.
I'm loathing tomorrow. It will be the first day of school which means more activities, appointments, trips and homework to push through despite the inability to be pain free. I don't want to do it anymore. I can't. It's getting more and more desolate. Thankfully, I'm not feeling suicidal. I'm just at a point where I want to lay down and not have to do a thing but lay there. But there are and will be those who do feel suicidal and I'm here to say that you are never alone in what it is that you are going through. Everyone has a breaking point but not everyone has so much internal and external stress that it pushes you so far over the edge that dying becomes the most practical answer.
Please know that you are and will be OK. There are people that want to help. I completely understand the isolation and confusion of depression and all of it's implications and when that is compounded by chronic pain or any other chronic illness everything can instantly seem overwhelming and overbearing all at once. If you ever find yourself seriously contemplating suicide and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-TALK(8225). You do not have to suffer alone and in silence.
Remember that there are those of us who have experienced the throes of depression and have grappled with the persistent thoughts of suicide. There are those of us who have unsuccessfully attempted it and those of us who sadly have. Being in this state of mind does not make you weak. We are all susceptible to these kinds of things. I'm reaching out to anyone who is in a situation in which I was in almost 8 years ago. I'm here for you - ALWAYS.
| Do not keep suicidal thoughts to yourself! Help is available for you, whether through a friend, therapist, or member of the clergy. Find someone you trust and let them know how bad things are. This can be your first step on the road to healing. |
Telephone Numbers for More Information on Receiving Help
| National Mental Health Association | 703-684-7722 |
| Anxiety Disorders Association of America | 301-231-9350 |
| American Psychological Association | 202-336-5500 |
| American Psychiatric Association | 202-682-6000 |
| Depressive and Manic-Depressive Association | 312-642-0049 |
| National Alliance for the Mentally Ill | 703-524-7600 |
| National Suicide Prevention Lifeline | 800-273-TALK(8255) |
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