Slept Away

The weekend is over and I can't tell you what at all happened because I slept the entire time.  I wasn't aware that I was feeling so depressed that I'd stay in the bed for two days but apparently I was and still sort of am.  I'm very put down by the stress of my ailments, my physical condition and appearance, and overall quality of life.  I have been really putting an effort into keeping my spirits up and staying positive and spiritually cognizant.  However, I'm just not feeling up to it.  I'm very tired of waking up to unhappiness and stress.  I'm in pain either physically or mentally and I feel strained, like now.  

Depression really sucks every wishful or hopeful thought out of me.  I know there is nothing that will happen today, tomorrow or the day after that will change that fact for me.  Circumstances won't allow me to be happy.  I guess the stars were never aligned just so in order for me to truly find everlasting happiness.  Almost a lifetime of migraines and most certainly depression, now that I know what it is, how it feels, and what to call it.  I was depressed and had very bad anxiety as a child.  I always had a sense of melancholy which stayed with me throughout the years and it grew tough to manage through all of the uncertainty and confusion of it all.  I was emotionally lost in a maze of frazzled peaks and valleys of which contained the many moods and obsessive patterns of random thoughts strung together by one common thread - migraines.  

Everything always came back to the one constant in my life that has never faltered from it's controlling seat at the head of life's table.  When this darkness gets a hold of me it's grip is firm and strong and is very difficult to break free of.  I can say that the most difficult part of dealing with and finding your way through depression is coming to terms with it and allowing yourself to feel the feelings without the guilt eating you up from the inside out.  It's taken me a very long time (about seven or eight years) to accept the journey for what it is - a journey.  It's not the end nor the beginning but a section of the path that God has laid out as my destiny.  This road I must travel and it's path is true and unchangeable.  So I mustn't continue to fight the inevitable.  I learned to go with it and let my feet guide me through the tumbleweeds and the pits and cracks until the path becomes smooth and clear again.  It's okay.  I'm okay.  

Happy or not, I made it through and I'm still whole, still breathing, still living another day to appreciate my life in the form in which the Lord sought best for me to live it.  So I was chosen to have four chronic conditions that put many limits on how much I can participate in this life but the gift is the abundance in strength, will power, determination and perserverance, and most of all trust.  Trust that my Savior will not leave me alone to carry these burdens for they were never mine to carry alone.  It may take me two days of never leaving the bed to get through those dark and shadowy moments, yet I come out of them with such clarity.  And I must say that I appreciate it all because I'm better for it.