Overcoming Negativity

I have been struggling with severe depression and anxiety for years, more so over the past two.  My latest episode started in late May or early June.  I was feeling more and more down and very anxious about everything, having small panic attacks every so often.  The stress of getting my daughter ready for her trip to Europe was making me feel adversely about it.  I was wishing that I didn't have to deal with it.  More and more I didn't want to be Mommy.  I was tired of what that role entailed.  I was beginning to resent it.  The more I despised the responsibilities of motherhood the more withdrawn I was becoming.  I hardly cooked dinner, using frozen meals to feed my family.  I stopped caring whether or not the kids did their chores or cleaned their room.  I isolated myself in my safe zone - my bedroom.  The month of July was the progression of the depression.  By August it was full blown.  All the cracks that have formed over the months finally gave and I fell apart.  August 18th was my first break down.  I was overcome with sadness and my anxiety was on full blast spewing negative images and memories over and over in my head.  I wanted to go to the hospital but I talked to the crisis nurse at Kaiser and she pushed up my appointment with my psychiatrist to Tuesday.  So I spent the weekend trying to cope as best I could.  I was put on Celexa when I saw my psychiatrist to help with my anxiety and proceeded to survive as best I could for the rest of the week.  The next weekend was spent going up to Buffalo to pick the kids up from my mother in law's house where they've been for two weeks.  I was extremely miserable and had to hide it as best I could from everyone.  I should have gone to the hospital while the kids were still away, but by the 31st I had reached rock bottom.

I drove myself to a local hospital to hopefully be admitted to the psych ward.  I also had a very bad migraine so I got treated for that as well.  I spoke with the social worker and explained to her what was going on and how I didn't want to hurt myself or anyone else but I felt like I should have never been born or I wish I wasn't alive.  She talked to the doctor about admitting me and he said yes.  I got up to my room after 1 a.m. and had my purse and phone locked away.  I changed hospital gowns to one without strings, went over paperwork and my meds and had a skin evaluation by the nurse.  She looked at all of my scars and my tattoo.  I was given a snack since I haven't eaten dinner and I went to bed.  I had a private room with a bathroom.  There was only a bed in the room.  There was a t.v. in the lounge as well as newspapers, books, puzzles and games to keep us occupied.  I was woken up sometime after 7 a.m. to have my vitals taken and to eat breakfast.  I didn't have anything but the clothes I wore to the hospital so I put those back on.  Then it was time for medication which was given at the medication window, just like in the movies.  The rest of the day consisted of groups and activities.  First was goals group where we had to write down what goal we are trying to achieve for that day and how we will achieve said goal.  The day went on with groups focusing on self esteem, anxiety, stress, spirituality, and art, music and pet therapy.  At the end of each day we would have “Goals Wrap-Up” where we state whether we achieved our goal or not and the lesson we learned that day.  We also had a lot of journaling time and I written in mine almost daily.  It helped me get my feelings out because I have a hard time verbalizing them when my anxiety has a different emotion every minute of the day.  There’s always too much going on in my head and I tend to forget what I wanted to talk or write about.  So, every time I had a particular feeling about something I made sure to write it down in my journal so I can work on it later.

I was having trouble sleeping and keeping my focus so the psychiatrist put me on Klonopin when needed and Trazadone for sleep.  He also upped my dose of Wellbutrin to 450 mg from 300 mg.  The increase in that has given me terrible dry/cotton mouth so I’ve been drinking tons of water to keep it moist.  By the end of Monday I was really beginning to let go of the guilt, forgive myself for any wrongs I’ve done, and started to appreciate myself.  So I was in good spirits on Tuesday and feeling almost ready to go home.  But by Wednesday I was ready.  I finally gave myself permission to like myself and love who I am.  I really started to accept my attributes and believe in them and was able to focus on positive things rather than all of the negatives (thanks to my meds!).  It was also my son’s 12th birthday so I had to be home for that.  I got discharged and being that I drove myself there I didn’t have to wait for someone to pick me up.  I was able to get home before the kids got home from school and they were all pleasantly surprised to see me.  My youngest was so elated to see me that he ran to me and hugged me ever so tightly.  He’s my baby, even though he’s 10.  Even the dog was super psyched to see me!

I made three new friends while at the hospital and we promised to keep in touch.  Having people who relate to each other makes the time spent there not so scary or stressful.  Well, except for one person who shoved her opinion down people’s throat.  I had to tell said person that being pushy and forceful with opinions wasn’t cool.  I seemed to be a target to this person so I wasn’t pleased when he/she came into the room.  But overall, my experience there was a good one and I really came away with some helpful skills and coping mechanisms.  So, I’ve been trying my best to stay as positive as I can.  It isn’t easy on days when my pain is excruciating and coming from every inch of my body yet I still try to hold on to having a better attitude about myself, my marriage, my children, and my life in general.  I’m still a work in progress but this time I’m heading down the right path.