No More Silence: Why I Write - HAWMC Day 1

I get asked the question, "Why did you choose to write a blog about your illnesses?" a lot.  Putting my personal business out in the open isn't the most attractive thing to do, but I do it to make me feel bigger than my health problems.  From the time I started this blog in July 2011, I have developed new illnesses and have gone through some extreme situations.  Living with chronic pain, depression and anxiety is very hard.  On the outside I look brand new but inside I'm a complete mess.  Writing about it helps me deal with that.  I also want to make what it is that I live with known to people who are uneducated about invisible illnesses.  How hurtful stigmas and assumptions can make dealing with the chronic pain (physical and emotional) much more difficult.  Here's my very first blog post about my migraines, life, and why I chose to put it all out in the open:

A Silent Sufferer - July 6, 2011

For most of my life the only normalcy I knew was one that involved chronic pain. As an 8 year-old girl I couldn't understand why my head would hurt so bad and why no one could help me. Yes, I had a neurologist but it was also 1986. Treatment for migraine, especially pediatric migraine, consisted of taking a useless beta-blocker daily for a preventative and using Tylenol as an abortive medication. Needless to say, I suffered. My whole childhood was impacted. I was scrutinized by teachers and classmates for missing school frequently for what they thought were only "headaches". At home, my sisters' asthma were seen as a more serious problem than my migraines often and left me to feel disregarded and not taken very seriously. I had to miss out on many activities because a migraine would be triggered by something. For a very long time I knew I felt different. I couldn't feel happy like I thought I should. I understand now that it was the early signs of depression, which I have been clinically diagnosed with almost ten years ago. It is a sad realization to reflect on the last 24 years of my life and to know that living was centered around debilitating pain. It sometimes amazes me that I have managed to raise three very well-behaved, polite, well-mannered and respectable children despite the unbearable pain I've endured. The past two years have been the most difficult as this disease has become more aggressive. I have chronic daily migraine and no medication is working. I feel like I'm on a decline. The impact on my psyche and my physical well-being has been quite a burden to those closest to me. I can't help but feel guilty that my kids and husband suffer along with me. I can't do all the things they want to do because it'll cause a migraine. I feel bad so much of the time. It has laid a heavy burden upon my heart. I try to stay positive but it has become more difficult the past few months. I do have something to look forward to - acupuncture. After having to appeal my insurance company's decision to not cover it, I was finally given the referral to see the acupuncturist I wanted and needed to be connected with. I can not wait to see what comes of it. I have nothing left to lose. The whole purpose of this blog is to be a sounding board for my frustrations, discoveries, and revelations as well as for those people who cope with migraine. I hope to give insight to this terrible disease. Thankfully, more attention has been given to migraine but still not nearly enough. Let this help to shed more light.

Blessings

 Much has changed and my pain now includes fibromyalgia and carpal tunnel syndrome.  The acupuncture didn't work and many other failed treatments followed.  I've run the gamut of options and have documented them all here in my blog.  It's like therapy for me and helps to keep me focused and ready for the next part of my journey.  I hope that my experiences helps others who find themselves on a similar path and brings a new awareness to the world.