Finding Reasons to Smile

Everybody needs a reason to smile.  Especially those who struggle daily with daily chronic pain and frequent bouts of depression and anxiety.  For the past nine months, finding reasons to smile or to be happy have been really difficult.  The struggle with trying to find relief for my pain combined with emotional stress has impaired my ability to believe that I ever will genuinely smile again.  I do have moments of happiness but they tend to be few and far in between.  

In the morning, I should wake up happy that I am alive and breathing.  Instead, I wake up in a fit of anxiety after a night of anxiety-filled dreams.  All of my worries manifest themselves in my dreams.  They continue to haunt me throughout the day and resume after I close my eyes at night.  This has lead to a very long bout of depression because I can not seem to find my way out of the anxiety.  I so would have preferred that depression and anxiety were never an issue for me.  I can handle the physical pain.  That is a piece of cake compared to the emotional anguish and paralysis that mental illness can bring.

Slowly I have been crawling out of the darkness.  I know that it's only temporary but this has been the longest I've been stuck in it.  I'm trying not to let things or circumstances fuel my anxiety.  Since many things are out of my control, I can control to not let it rule me.  That is a choice I can smile about.  That is my silver lining for today and I will continue to find them in the days to follow.  I expect them to keep me motivated and more positive in my outlook on life.  I'm sure there will be times when finding them will be little harder, but in the end, I'm optimistic that I will find peace within myself.