Our challenge prompt today is:
Read the poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling, a poem that helps us see the choices our dreams bring to us and the power we have over our choices. Then apply it to your Headache Disorder.
The poem begins:
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise..."
This poem resonates deeply with me. It seems as if every word written is a description of my life and journey through the peaks and valleys of Migraine disease. I'm sure that anyone who reads this will be able to relate it to some aspect of their individual lives and the paths they have chosen to walk down or to avoid. As someone with Migraine, it feels as if the writer has walked directly in my shoes. Everything about living with Migraine is based on choices, perception, acceptance, and reality. The battle one would think, is with the disease itself, which mostly it is. However, there is a silent war that rages on within the mind, soul and spirit which determines how an individual living with any disease, copes with and manages his or her illness. It is extremely easy to let the mind deter, convince and control how you deal with Migraine. No one likes a pity party but there are times when the pain is so great and long that it happens anyway, despite trying your best to overcome the current episode with as much grace and humbleness as possible.
Doubts about ever finding real, sustainable and long-lasting relief sets in often. There are people, including medical professionals, who doubt your pain. Oftentimes, someone is trying to serve a "cure" that got rid of their friend's, cousin's, or co-worker's so-called Migraine. When hopes of a new treatment are shattered by failure, severe side effects and allergic reactions, you feel broken. More often than we would like, we are made to mend our broken bodies and minds with worn out and inadequate tools. With so few tools to choose from in our toolboxes, it becomes harder and harder each time to make ourselves whole again. We often wind up feeling chipped, tarnished and dull after going through so many disasters when the triumphs seem very few and far between. It's amazing to me how so many continue to be brave and strong after having been through so much. Whenever I reflect on everything I have been through with this disease, I wonder how in the world have I survived it all? There is a moment in my life when I should have died, but some power greater than myself kept me alive. There must be purpose for me in this world and God wasn't ready for me to leave yet.
I may feel angry and bitter at times for having to stay in a life where pain often dictates how much I can do physically and mentally. It may not look like it, but everyday I have to consciously make the choice to be greater than my disease and to not let my depressed brain rule how I feel about myself or my position in life. It is very hard to do because at any moment during the day, I can fall into the trap of lies and negativity that lurk around the hallways and corners of my mind. Honestly, all I really want is the permission to fall apart and completely break, because I constantly feel like I'm the glue holding everything in place. Beside myself, my children and my husband rely heavily on me to sustain them. As a wife and mother, I am the heart of the family. My love, support, compassion and willingness to give of myself unconditionally to the four people who I love most is taxed enormously. The ability to give so much is weakened by the daily fight to avoid triggers, whether they be Migraine or depression related. I am bombarded all the time with a barrage of incoming fire. Ducking, dodging and hiding from them is exhausting. The strikes are not as severe inside my home because I am able to control most of what can hurt me from entering my safe place. Having to venture outside into the world weakens my defenses and I am way more susceptible to getting hit hard by the darts being thrown at me.
Yet, silently and humbly I walk through the fire. Fearing being labeled a whiner, complainer and a burden. I dream of something better but don't let myself become too seduced by it because it can cause me to not see the good things that are happening in real life. My joys and sources of happiness have been made up of the less extravagant and noticeable things. Being able to pack a lunch for my hubby and get his uniform ready for work brings me great happiness. He has a dangerous and stressful job as a police officer in the most violent areas in the District of Columbia. Making him feel appreciated and taking a little of the load off his back is something I am more than willing to do. I am unable to work and provide financially but I can give just as much if not more through small deeds throughout the day. I encourage the art of talking and having conversations with my children. They love and appreciate that they have a voice and that it is listened to with eager ears. I embrace their individuality and eccentricities and never make any of them feel less special or important than their siblings. I find my victories in the fact that my children are not disrespectful of others, that they are maturing into fine human beings, and that above all else, they are compassionate people with huge hearts and beautiful minds.
At the end of the day, despite the aches and pains and nuances of Migraine, I can be and feel okay with everything. All I ever really wanted was a family that I can love on and nurture. God gave me that blessing four times over. So, I can accept what isn't perfect or convenient most of the time because my true dream has been and is continuing to be fulfilled. That is what I have to keep in perspective. It never negates or trivializes my disease, however. It makes it an even exchange in my eyes. It has taken me years to realize this and many difficult obstacles to overcome to get to this point of mindfulness. I am still learning how to keep myself focused on what is most important. The difficulty lies in managing the persuasive and overbearing negative talk of depression. At times, it wins out and convinces me I am of no value or purpose. I can not win every battle but I won't give up the fight. Everything always turns around for the better in the end, even when it seems the end is no where in sight. It hurts tremendously and I feel very wounded. But I am proud of my scars because they are proof that I haven't lost or given up. My coat of armor is perspective. As long as I keep that in front of me and let it guide me, I will always see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Here's a beautiful rendition of "If" I found on YouTube:
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Stay Well!