I Am Light

A screenshot of the +Migraine Buddy
app showing 60 days with a migraine.

Today marks sixty days with the same migraine. Needless to say, the past two months have been pretty rough.  With only a few hours here and there with no pain, I am mentally and physically fatigued.  It can become quite difficult to maintain a positive and healthy attitude and perspective when everyday is a struggle to some degree.  How does one hold on to hope?  Sometimes by only a thread.  And when the difficulty passes, that thread becomes part of the fiber that is weaving and strengthening my blanket of hope.  Each thread represents the things in my life that helped me sustain, cope, and endure.  There are threads of happy memories and affirmations as well as those made of tears, anger, and frustration.  Crying and being angry at my pain lights a fire under me and makes me want to fight for something different. I have to remind myself that I am not my pain and that it does not define me.  Restoring my confidence isn't always an easy task, however.  I find it challenging to recognize what my contribution is to the world when all I am actively seeing is pain manifested.  How can I control something that is so unpredictable?

I have to do more and I know exactly what it is that I must do.  If I can get out of my own head and start choosing better options for myself, then I will be well on my way to feeling better.  I live behind a wall of fear.  Fear permeates my life in every way possible.  When you believe that you don't have a voice and that no one cares to hear what you have to say, how do you begin to believe in yourself?  Everything I do is because I think it is what I have to do and not what I want to do.  I am surrounded by love and support but I still feel very alone.  One of the disadvantages of getting married at nineteen is the fact that I didn't allow myself the opportunity to get to know myself.  I do not know who Jaime is or what she wants out of life.  I immediately threw myself into the roles of wife and mother and became nothing more than that.  That isn't all that I want to be because I am more than just a nurturer.  I had ambitions and dreams once but I opted to put those aside for a different reality.  

Never do I regret my marriage or children, but I wish that I gave myself the time to grow up and learn where my strengths lie.  Last week I celebrated my 37th birthday and it felt like any other day of the week.  I had a bad migraine that day and I felt pretty low.  To be another year older and still struggling with the same issues is not something worth celebrating in my opinion.  If I was self-reliant, had a career, and had confidence I would be much happier. My skill set is limited and my self-esteem even more so.  All I have is the ability to write but even with that I don't see much impact.  Maybe if I write more I will gain a bigger audience which might bring about bigger opportunities.  I committed myself to writing at least once a week now.  All of the things that I am good at center around creativity, which isn't always profitable.  And being that I don't feel confident in pulling much of anything off, things rarely get past the idea phase.  My disability check isn't enough to really help out financially in the way that it needs to so I feel the urge to make a bigger contribution.

Me yesterday, finding my smile through the pain.

There are a lot of things that I want to change about myself.  It is for that reason I decided to go back into therapy.  I found a great therapist but her availability is limited.  My first appointment with her was back in March and I couldn't get another appointment until next Monday.  I really want to keep seeing her but once every three months isn't going to help me at all. Obviously I need help in building up my confidence and I have failed trying to do it on my own.  Yesterday, I was lying in bed watching a movie in desperate need of a distraction from life and a song called I Am Light by India Arie was played.   The lyrics really moved me and they reminded me that I do have good qualities, have something to offer the world, and am not my pain or heartache or disappointments.  It brought my spirits up enough to get out of bed and get out of the house, which helped my mood tremendously.  It isn't healthy to focus on the negativity all of the time and India Arie reminded me of that.  I wanted to share this song with you in the hopes it will make you feel better about yourself and whatever situation life has you in.  It certainly did for me.