Help Wanted

It's day five of this particular migraine attack.  As usual, I'm alone with the kids since my husband works midnights and sleeps during the day.  There are many times that I skipped going to the doctor or urgent care because it takes away from his much needed sleep.  I would go if there was someone else who could take me.  But there isn't.  We live in a different state than our families and neither side is close enough to "drop" by for a day or two.  So, days go by where the refrigerator is almost empty and the pantry is lacking of much needed staples.  The kids suffer because I can't always take them to the pool or to the park.  I need help but it just isn't there.  We live on a one income budget.  Although I get disability, it's barely enough to make a dent.  We could always use help when it comes to groceries, making meals, etc.  Thankfully the kids are old enough to take care of the chores.  It's just that when I'm out of commission due to the pain I don't really care to keep them in check.  I have other things on my mind like the nonstop pain I'm enduring.  My husband doesn't really cook, so he orders in food when I can't.  It makes me feel guilty that we have to spend money on take out because I'm not able to make dinner.  At least once a week I wish that my parents or his were just a few minutes away so that they can take the kids for a while or bring us a home cooked meal or pick up some groceries for us.  At our previous home I was at least able to order from Peapod for our groceries but it's not available here.  So, if I don't go shopping we don't always eat.


I'm not the kind of person to ask neighbors for help.  For one, all my life I had to deal with people saying that "it's just a headache" so I stopped trying to look for sympathy, empathy and help from those who weren't closest to me.  I also have too much pride, a trait that I got from my father, to ask for assistance.  The only person that I lean on really is my husband and I don't know what I would do without him.  I feel so bad because his job is really stressful and the shift he works reduces him to a zombie most days.  I just wish there was more I could do.  I so desperately want to put a "Help Wanted" sign in my window just so that I can stop feeling like I have to do everything despite my pain.  It would be nice to know that I don't have to worry about dinner because so and so is bringing some over or that someone will be dropping off some groceries.  On days like today, I really wish that I had that option.


I'm not very close to many of my neighbors since I spend most of my time in the house.  There are two that are very dear to me, but they have lives, children and jobs that keeps them busy so I can't get myself to ask them for any help.  I've never been comfortable doing that my entire life so it's pretty hard to do it now in my thirties.  I guess, since I had to rely on myself as a kid to deal with my migraines (I spent many, many nights home from school suffering alone while my parents were at work) I do the same now.  It's what I know and what I do best - just deal.  But I don't want to "deal" anymore.  I guess I'm starting to reach the point where I will have no choice but to reach out.  I'm pretty sure that my friends would be happy to help in any way that they can.  I feel so pitiful right now that it clouds my judgement.  I know that they don't feel sorry for me but I guess since I feel sorry for myself right now I can only assume others will to.


I feel like kicking myself sometimes for being the one kid growing up that had no problems living far away from my family.  I went all the way to Hawaii for college, met my husband and moved to his hometown of Buffalo which is eight hours from my hometown of Queens, NY and the closest we've been to either side of our family.  Then we moved down South.  We both are ambitious and aren't afraid to go where the Lord sees fit for us to be, but I feel that I sacrificed having my family near to us.  Hindsight is 20/20 but we're here now and no one is going to be moving next door to us anytime soon.


So I guess I'll be doing what I always do and just hang on until there is a break in the cycle.  I really do want to ask for help but I'm just not comfortable doing it.  I think because so many ignored my disease and whittled it down to just an ordinary headache, I approach it that way too.  I don't expect people to understand or want to help.  I probably need to adjust my thinking before I go seeking assistance.  But, at the moment I'm in this particular situation and like all the rest before it, it doesn't look very hopeful.  I'm in pain, my medications aren't working, I'm waiting to hear back from my neurologist and wishing things were different.  This is my life's story and it sucks pretty bad.