Most Unperfect

I have struggled for many years with trying to find my path, my purpose, my virtue in this life.  It's a far from perfect life and I'm no where near being perfect.  My personality strives to be perfect in everything yet my life has taken the path furthest from that destination.

My life, from what I most remember, has been trickled with pain.  Pain would rear it's ugly head in the moments that I would have most preferred it to stay far away.  The older I got, the more the pain would occur.  Instead of it getting less frequent and less painful, the more frequent and painful it became.  By the time I was married with three children, pain was a permanent member of my family.  No one ever considers pain as a member of the family, but once it moves in to your life so as to it decides what's going to happen, it's a part of us now and not just me.

So, while enduring this pain I have become to feel very isolated and alone.  I have never met anyone who had pain like this take over their life, at a young age like myself.  I was experiencing chronic migraine before I turned 30.  Now, a few months before turning 34, I have chronic daily headache, chronic migraine, fibromyalgia, depression, and anxiety.  This week alone I've spent four days in bed unable to move due to pain.  It's a lonely, depressing, and horrible life.  No one should live a life of pain, no matter who they are.  It's just too cruel a fate.

But God has been showing me new ways of dealing and coping with the pain through my love for writing.  I abandoned this talent years ago when my focus was taking care of my young children.  Now, as they are getting older and more independent, I can spend more time indulging in the things I used to do.  So, I decided to write a blog to document the life of a chronic migraineur.  It upsets me that my disease is stigmatized and diminished to being "just a headache".  It's hard having many illnesses, all of which are invisible to the naked eye.  I look like any normal, healthy 33 year old female.  No one knows the pain I am feeling just by walking out of my front door.  I carry these burdens daily.  Writing this blog helps to make me visible to the outside world.

I've come into contact with people like me through this blog.  It has shown me to others who live a life as I do and has ushered in a new family of support.  I have come to know some of the best people I could ever meet.  I've taken on more when it comes to my Migraines and hope to help others who need it.  My path has seemed to taken the direction of helping those who are struggling or have struggled with suicidal thoughts because the pain is so great and so frequent and has made them feel like burdens to their families.  I'm no stranger to this subject as I have written about it before.  It isn't an easy subject to address but that doesn't make it a shameful one.  I want to help lift the stigma around suicide.  It doesn't represent weakness nor unwillingness to try.  Each person tries under different circumstances, but those of us who are chronic pain patients have the overwhelming fight with a beast that beats us into submission daily with no one coming to our rescue.

It's a tough thing to deal with daily.  It's hard trying to be there for others who are feeling like their end is near, especially when pain interrupts the mission.  But I have the most wonderful people to pick up when I can't and to uplift me when I'm down.  It's the most amazing and difficult journey to be on.  In the midst of my pain, I'm proud to have found a purpose again.  I just hope daily that I can continue to pursue it.