My Pain Isn't Just Physical

Over the years I have encountered many ignorant and misled people who spoke very naively of migraines, not knowing that they were being hurtful.  Having to deal with intense pain at the age of eight and not being heard by my doctors or parents when I explained how treatments weren't working, opened up the gates to depression.  I recognize now in my thirties that I was very depressed as a child and young adult.  All I knew then was that I was unhappy and sad a lot of the time but couldn't explain why.  I knew that wasn't a normal way to feel and having that knowledge made me even sadder.  Yet, my mind would automatically try to dismiss those feelings because my migraines were almost always dismissed as being a simple, treatable inconvenience.  I was conditioned to not expect compassion or understanding and to expect to suffer alone.  Migraines are tremendously polarizing and quickly leads to the building up of walls to protect ourselves from all of the harsh criticisms and judgements we face.  Thus was born the pessimist.  I stopped expecting something good to happen and began anticipating for the worst.  And so, with my walls as my shield of armor, I proceeded through life.

I wish that I knew I was clinically depressed, but I didn't know that what or how I was feeling wasn't part and parcel to migraines.  And by the way, mental illness isn't a discussion most families have at the dinner table.  I don't think that the comorbidity of migraines and depression was known during the 80's and 90's, so who would have asked if I was feeling a certain way?  Emotions were never a discussion in the doctor's office.  All of these experiences have a huge part to play in my suicide attempt.  I never would have guessed that I'd be so emotionally broken that I'd try to kill myself.  But no one talks about the emotional side effects of migraines.

It's no wonder why that is, though.  Both migraines and suicide carry with them huge stigmas.  It's utterly uncomfortable to talk about either one let alone both.  Thank goodness I'm okay with being very open about the truths behind these ailments.  It wasn't always easy for me to talk freely about them.  My journey has brought me to a place of comfort where no one or nothing can devalue my life, because migraines, depression, and my suicide attempt are my life.  My illnesses are very real and very serious.  I want for the millions of migraine sufferers to have the strength and conviction to say the same.  But, everyone's journey is different and circumstances varied.  So I can't or won't expect anyone else to be in the same head space as me.  Until then I'll gladly be the voice of enlightenment to society about the truths of the migraine community.

A life of chronic pain is a life of chronic emotional pain as well.  I still struggle with the heavy burden of guilt that my migraines and headaches bring.  I still fall victim to want to end it all because I can't go through one more minute, let alone day, in pain.  It's very tempting and comforting to think that it'll all be over if I swallow all of my pain meds.  To the people reading this who has never experienced depression and chronic pain first hand or through a loved one, I sound selfish.  That couldn't be farther from the truth.  I see myself as inadequate for my family.  I can't be a fully functional adult.  I'm not able to be the wife, mother, and individual that I want to be.  So why should my family suffer?  Society has to begin to understand and accept that for the most part, the act or attempt of suicide is in the name of love.  We would gladly sacrifice ourselves it it meant better lives for our families.  Yes, being tired of living in pain has a big part in it but I find that it's the love for our families that really make us try.

So, the next time there is a discussion about chronic pain and suicide, please try to put yourself in the sufferer's shoes.  How well could you cope?  We need to break these stigmas so that more people talk about how they really feel and not be ashamed to ask for help.  Feeling suicidal doesn't make you weak.  Living a life of physical and emotional pain makes you some of the strongest people alive.  Not everyone is built for this kind of life, but just because you have weak moments doesn't make you weak-minded.  It just makes you human.

This month is National Suicide Awareness Month.  Please help by reaching out to those who may be dealing with these issues and for whatever reason aren't able to speak up about it.  Everyone has a voice.  Help save a life by validating the voice of the person who feels like life isn't worth living.  

Support Chronic Migraine and Suicide Awareness!!  Join us on May 29th by wearing red, purple and black to show support and solidarity!

If you feel suicidal, don't be ashamed.  There's help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at:
1-800-273-TALK or visit their website at:www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.