The Worries of A Parent with Chronic Illness - HAWMC Day 9

As a mother of three kids, I'm kept busy with all of their school work, social lives, and every day demands.  Dealing with a teenage daughter in high school, a preteen in middle school, and one about to enter middle school is challenging.  Throw in chronic migraines and fibromyalgia, bouts of depression and anxiety, and overall fatigue and the challenges become insurmountable at times.  I'm always concerned that I'm doing enough for them.  For instance, I want my boys to be involved with sports but due to my husband's work schedule, I would have to be the main parent to take them to practices and games.  Driving causes very bad fibromyalgia pain for me now and that would be way too much on my body.  Never mind the nights when sleep isn't very consistent.  That in turn triggers migraines.  I feel so bad that my body is so broken; that I can't be the mom that I so want to be.  It just feels like I'm doing so many things wrong by not being able to do them.  I want to get up and clean the house, do all the laundry, paint their rooms, buy them whatever they want.  But I can't because I don't have the stamina and exerting myself causes spikes in pain and I wind up flat on my back for days at a time.  And I don't have the financial means because I can't work due to my illnesses.  My disability check is laughable.  Living on basically one income with three children and a sick wife is the epitome of stressful.  It's hard on my husband, hard on the kids, and hard on me.  I feel so inadequate and burdensome on so many levels.  As a woman, I want to be self-sufficient, independent and reliable.  My conditions made it so that it's very hard for me to achieve those qualities.  I'm forced to be dependent on my spouse and my kids to some extent.  They have to look after themselves too much sometimes because mommy is sick in bed.  It's not fair that their lives have to be alienated because of me.  Their friends have the ability to do more and are involved in so much more because they don't have a chronically ill parent.  The whole situation makes me feel horrible.  I'm afraid that I'm stunting them in some way.  Every day I feel like I should be super mom.  My reality says different.  I just wish that I had better options available to them, like living closer to family and participating in a sport or hobby more often.  This isn't how I envisioned being a parent would be for me.  It's a heartbreaking experience because my dream of parenthood isn't what I thought it was going to be.  I just try to do the best I can with what I have.  I make it a priority to keep an open line of communication with all three of my children.  I speak with them together and individually to make sure that they understand what it is that mommy is going through and that they are doing okay mentally and emotionally in dealing with a sick parent.  At the end of the day, all I care about is my children's happiness and as long as they are smiling and genuinely happy then I'm a happy mommy.  My kids are my life and I will always do everything that I can to make sure that they have what they need in order to grow into great adults.