Loss and Guilt

It's been quite some time since I've written anything and I feel really bad about that.  I told myself that I wouldn't let so much time go in between posts and what do you know?  I did it anyway.  Well, so much has happened since my last post.  In early June, my dear cousin passed away.  He was in a motorcycle accident.  I was devastated and got really depressed.  What made it harder to come to terms with it is not being able to attend the funeral.  My youngest was graduating from grade school the same day.  We were able to drive up to see my aunt and uncle afterward but it wasn't quite the same because I wasn't able to say goodbye to him.  I wasn't able to get that closure.  Growing up, all of my first cousins and my sisters were close.  A lot of us were more like brothers and sisters to each other.  We were each other's first best friends.

His sudden death brought up a lot of guilt for me also.  With my hospitalization last November that had me on the brink of death, I felt so guilty for the fear my family felt about the possibility of losing me.  Although I didn't intentionally try to end my life, I was almost successful at it and that is a big, hard bitter pill to swallow.  I almost felt like I didn't have the right to show my face around my aunt and uncle because they lost a child through an accident.  He had not tried to kill himself.  I, on the other hand, did.  Twice.  Who am I to bring myself around my family knowing that about myself?  I am still struggling with all of this.

As a result of all of these feelings, I didn't have a lot of motivation nor confidence to write. But today, I feel like I can start again.  It's taken me almost two months but I finally got the urge to share.  I dedicate this post to my dearly departed cousin, Lloyd Jason Edmondson. I miss you and love you with all of my heart.

June 22, 1980 - June 9, 2013

It takes a lot more courage to let something go than it does to hang on to it, trying to make it better. Letting go doesn't mean ignoring a situation. Letting go means accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, resistance, or a struggle for control. Letting go means standing still and letting the world, or a piece of it, crumble at your feet while saying to yourself, "Mmmm, that's interesting!" - Iyanla Vanzant