There is one experience in my life where I truly feel similar to a phoenix rising up from the ashes. Three years ago I tried to commit suicide. I was almost successful but miraculously survived it. It was a very traumatic and devastating time but here I stand. I was extremely broken and confused afterward and couldn't fathom myself gaining any sense of self. The road was long and hard but I managed to make it through. I have tremendous scarring from that fight and I am proud of each one. They are my proof of coming out the other side of it. I walked through the fire and am here to tell the tale. Below is my post Almost Dying about my suicide attempt, hospital stay, and what happened after I came home.
Well my friends. It's been some months since I have shared with you. My life has gone on quite the roller coaster ride and it has taken some time for me to settle down from all the excitement. A lot has happened since my last post in November. I was waiting to hear if I had lupus as I had developed new symptoms that seemed to be more than just fibromyalgia. It was Election Day, November 6th, when I had gone to see my rheumatologist about the increased pain, TMJ, leg and ankle edema, and very dry eyes that was plaguing me. I had voted before driving to my appointment and had been feeling very tense and nervous about possibly having something new diagnosed. It occupied my thoughts as I was in the voting booth. I remember being told that I had carpal tunnel in both wrists and to buy wrist supports and to wear a mouth guard to keep me from clenching my teeth when I sleep. I barely remember driving home or the rest of the day for that matter. What I do remember is that I woke up in the ICU hooked up to a ventilator six days later.
I had no idea how or why I was in the hospital. I woke up to my mother's face and instantly questioned why I was in a hospital in Florida and then asking her what the hell happened (in those exact words). I see my husband's face and all the life has drained from it. I had no clue what was going on but I was very scared to find out. I probably dozed off and on for some time because the rest is a bit blurry. I am not sure if I was told what happened at that time or after I was taken off the ventilator but here's the reason why I was there. On Friday morning I had a small disagreement with my husband. I had taken my bottle of Wellbutrin XL into the bathroom and proceeded to swallow all of the pills (around 60 I think at 150mg each).
Let me make this disclaimer - I was in no way severely depressed or feeling suicidal at any time prior to this event. Yes, I was upset and stressed but in no way to the point of wanting to end my life. I had been taking the maximum dose of Wellbutrin (450 mg/day) since September but had been on the antidepressant for about two years or longer. Looking back I can see that my personality was different. I was getting more and more short tempered and angry a lot over the course of being on it and much more so after the increase to 450mg/day. Until finally, something snapped where a very small and insignificant event caused me to react with an overdose.
After I took the pills I walked out of the bathroom and told my husband that he didn't have to be bothered with me anymore. He asked me why and he said that I told him what I did. He called an ambulance and I was rushed to the ER. From what he told me next I almost couldn't believe my ears. It was so bad by the time I got there (and they got me there FAST). I started having seizures - small ones at first and then a full-blown seizure. When it was over I lay limp and unresponsive on the table. I was intubated and given charcoal but my blood pressure was dangerously low. The doctor didn't know if I was going to make it through the night. He told my husband that it could go either way and gave me a 40% chance to make it out of woods. This is all so very hard for me to type. As I relive these moments I feel very sad but this is a story that I must tell, so I'll go on.
I was put in a medically induced coma and taken to the ICU where I remained until I started to wake up out of the coma on Sunday. It was like I literally woke up in hell. I had no idea what happened or why and was past the point of being confused. I was hallucinating and was seeing and hearing things that weren't there. When the doctor and nurse told me that no one was in the room I broke into tears. First I'm told that I tried to, and almost successfully, kill myself and now I'm hallucinating? What next? Well, how about being told that they found cocaine in my system. You've got to be kidding me!! I've never done drugs in my life. Not marijuana, cocaine, crack, heroine, ecstasy, PCP, speed - not one! It felt like my entire world had fallen apart and didn't know how much more I could take.
A nice surprise was seeing my family from Buffalo. It was a bit jarring though because their presence spoke to the magnitude and seriousness of the situation. I also felt a lot of love and that helped to soften the experience a little. Later that day I was moved to a regular floor. That made me feel a bit better. When I got to the room I realized that I had a catheter, which was sewn into my crotch. And thanks to my terrible veins, I had a line put in my neck. I could barely walk to the bathroom as I was extremely weak. However, I knew that the worst was soon to follow. Being babysat 24/7 and talked to by behavioral health. I had to convince them that I was not depressed nor suicidal and that it was the medication that caused a personality shift. I was myself and very clear headed about my mental stability and I wasn't going to let them send me across the street to the inpatient psychiatric ward. I had to endure multiple visits by judgemental and insensitive know-it-all assistants from behavioral health and one with the social worker. Every time I had to explain that I was not depressed or suicidal at the time and that it was the medication. I was very angry at the way I was being talked to but had to remind myself not to get too upset or it will give them reason to ship me to the psych ward. It was hard not to react angrily when being asked things like, "How long have you been doing cocaine?" or "You don't remember telling me that you wanted to die?" I wanted to take those women and slam them head first into the wall. I never prayed so hard in my life for God to keep me because I was seconds from going off on them.
Besides, all that mattered was what the psychiatrist said and not his little minions. It was after two days of being on the patient care floor before I saw the psychiatrist and thanks to my and my family's daily prayers, he got it! The first thing out of his mouth after I explained everything to him was that it was obvious that I wasn't depressed. Hallelujah!! I didn't have to go across the street and as soon as my liver enzymes were normal I could go home. I hated being there and wanted to go home to my children and love up on them and my husband. I was discharged on Wednesday, November 14th.
I was removed from all medications except the propranolol which I was taking for my fibromyalgia. Because of my blood pressure bottoming out and it being a blood pressure medication I was kept on it. I weaned myself off of it three weeks after leaving the hospital because it was giving me terrible headaches and making me dizzy. I was very weak and could barely walk from my bed to my bathroom without getting out of breath. It was a struggle. Coming to grips with what happened was even tougher. Although this had just happened to me, most of it I did not remember. Having to live through a trauma through someone else's narrative was, and still is, difficult to accept. I see the scars and bruises and feel the effects of what happened but I have no memory of how or why it happened. That's a difficult thing to wrap my head around. But most of all, I'm very upset that this happened again. I meant it when I said that I would never put my family through this again. I've done all that I can over the years to be proactive about my depression so as to not ever go to that place of desolation and hopelessness again. I feel like a huge let down and it does make me feel embarrassed at times. I worry about anyone questioning my mental stability now more than ever and I have been labeled as a drug addict. I didn't ask for this. My life is already difficult. Why did this have to be added to my long list of struggles?
I am now learning to live with my depression and cope with it naturally along with therapy. Now that I am no longer taking any prescriptions I have found a new path to healing. I am seeing a bioenergetic practitioner who is helping me to heal my body and find out what the root cause(s) of my health problems are. It's a hard road that I'm traveling down but I have made a lot of progress in just two months. I have a lot more to do but I feel better about how I'm taking care of myself. I've made a major life change and I expect nothing but positive results from it. There are still many obstacles that I have to overcome but I'm sure that I'll get through them. I have new passions and ideas and hope to make something out of them.
The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.
We are now open for Entries!
Everyone who suffers from headache disorders should keep a headache journal. With just about everybody having a smartphone these days, keeping track of headaches and migraine has gotten easier. The awesome folks at Migraine Buddy have given me a promo code for their Migraine Buddy App (a $2.99 value) to give to one lucky iOS user! What's Migraine Buddy you ask? It is a very user-friendly and beautifully designed Migraine and Headache Tracker that you install on your phone. You can record the onset of each Migraine, select which triggers set it off, log your medications, and even customize your entries to include specific treatments you use! I personally love having Migraine Buddy as a part of my Migraine and Headache Toolkit. I use it every day and it has proven to be a valuable tool in tracking and logging my attacks, triggers and symptoms all in one easy, super to use and convenient place. My favorite feature is seeing what your top triggers and symptoms are as well as what the average pain intensity is. You can also export all of your entries into a spreadsheet that you can take to your neurologist or headache specialist. You will be amazed at how much you can learn from this App about your particular Migraine or Headache Disorder. Enter today for your chance to win!
To enter: Click on this link to go to giveaway post!
Giveaway begins 6/17/2015 at 12:00 a.m. and ends 6/30/2015 at 12:00 a.m. Contest will continue throughout the month of June in recognition of Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, a AHMA sponsored event. Winners will be chosen through Rafflecopter.
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